Am I Loosing My Mind?

When I was pregnant, people told me how my life was going to change. Some people disclosed how great my life will be others disclosed how miserable they are. Needless to say I was confused. I didn't know what to expect while I was expecting!!!! I refused to accept the negative comments and embraced all the positive advice. Now, I am a new mom of a 7 months old baby girl (time flies). And well I can tell you that those people who "scared" me were not all completely right. One thing that I was not ready to accept was the constant worry!!! OMG, DO I WORRY 24/7. Please, do not get me wrong. I do have moments of laughters, joys, smiles and play. But in the back of my head I am ALWAYS worrying. Is there a switch I can turn off for a break????? Pleeeeassse!!!!

I remember every trimester came with joys AND worries. First trimester is a critical time where you worry about miscarriages. Second trimester is when you rejoice on finding out the gender and worry about proper development. Third trimester you worry about labor and delivery. But once the baby is out then your worries just never stop.... I thought to myself, am I loosing my mind? Will I ever stop worrying? Do I have to over think things? Do I always have to think about worse case scenerios? Then I figured maybe I should stop watching Lifetime Movies, Criminal Minds, the news, scary movies and only watch cartoons!!!! Hah, I would probably have to leave this planet if I want to protect my child. These thoughts just pondered in my head day and night along with all the dangers in the world.

Truth is, I had to realize that I am a mom with limited control. I can sit here and think of million ways to put my baby in a bubble and succeed. But one day that baby will be an adult, a clueless one too if she stays in a bubble, lol.  I had to understand that LOVE has a price. Otherwise, we would not cherish it at all. My unconditional love for my child comes with constant worries. As a mom I want the best for my daughter and future children. The more I shared my fears and worries, the more I realize that ALL moms feel the same way. So I am NORMAL after all. My mom was right when she said, "when you become a mother, you will understand me 100%". And I do, and I appreciate her more than ever. So, what do I do with all these crazy worries???? NOTHING!!! Great answer, huh?!?!? But it is true, there is nothing I can do to stop the worries. All I can do is understand that this is part of being a mom and not having complete control. I just have to try the BEST I can to teach my children right, to raise them to make a difference in the world, to become a fine lady and/or gentlemen, to treat others with respect and love and to practice safety at all times. As for me, I have to learn to let go the need to control everything and trust in God. It is very hard to do especially knowing what I know. I can't rob my children from enjoying the beauties the world has to offer. Yes, I do understand there are bad things (evil ones) out there but I cannot raise scared human beings. I must sit back, relax and enjoy every little moment I have with them because the present is truly a gift.

Dealing with a Loss

Dealing with a loss is never easy even when it is natural and you are expecting it. We all know that dying is part of life. The moment you are born you know one day you must die. Nevertheless, it is a topic that most people do not like to talk about. When I was younger, heck even now, I would cry with just the thought of my parents dying. I just could not imagine my life without them. I am in a place in life where grandparents are getting older and slowly dying. One by one. A few weeks ago I lost my last grandma. And yes even though she was 92 years old, it was sad and it hurt. The healing process was quick though because it was from "normal" causes.

What about the times where it was unexpected?!?! How can you deal with a loss that just came out of nowhere?!?!? 

Indeed, words cannot explain the emptiness in your heart, the emotional roller coaster, and the mental breakdown you encounter. You may have all the support in the world and all the most empathetic words from friends and it will not change anything! And that is ok. You see, we all need time to heal. And that healing process looks different for everyone. There are stages of grief but one must understand what exactly you are grieving. It can be as simple as the death of a grandparent, as complex as the sudden death of a spouse, as confusing as a suicidal death of a son/daughter or as heartbreaking as a divorce process. No matter the situation or circumstances, the stages of grief are the same and it will take time. 

When I was going through my divorce process, I just wanted to speed up the grief process. I didn't want to cry or become bitter. I just wanted to move on and find happiness again. I learned the hard way that there is no such thing as speeding up the process. It will take its course no matter what!!! So take your time and live through the moments and allow yourself to properly grieve. 

The stages of grief are more of a guideline to help us understand what we are going through. Not everyone goes thru the same process and not everyone goes thru all the stages. Grieving is an individual thing. Not one person grieves the same as another. With that being said, here are the stages of grieving: 

1. Denial: it's a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural.

2. Anger: It can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset. When dealing with suicides and divorce, anger will be more apparent. Other times the anger can even be directed at a higher power such as God. 

3. Bargaining: traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God they believe in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "can we still be friends?" When facing a breakup or divorce. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death. 

4. Depression: Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the "aftermath" although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's sort of an acceptance with emotional attachments. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5. Acceptance: again this stage definitely varies according to the situation. It is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. 

Keeping these stages in mind, also know that finding individual and group support helps. Seeking therapeutic counseling can help you understand your own process and embrace the chances. Group supports will help you feel that you are not alone and others who experienced the same thing are there to support you. I went through a divorce AND a death in the family simultaneously. I found therapy very helpful and I attended a group support program called Divorce Care. If you have children, they also have groups to help your children understand as well!!!!  

Planning the First Trip

Some people hate planning. Me, I am a planner freak.. I love planning. My bestie used to laugh at me because I would plan every outfit for everyday and write it out with accessories and all. The worst part is that I DID follow my plan, lol. Planning can be so much fun especially when you plan a trip. You start by checking out the must-do's in the area, where to stay, reviews of different places, etc. How about that first family trip with your little one?????

We planned our first family trip for the 4th of July. I must admit that I started planning like I usually do for ANY trip. However, traveling with an infant IS NOT the same as traveling as a couple or alone. Nevertheless, all the considerations you must look into BEFORE the trip to avoid headaches. My experience was quite interesting and I MUST share what I found worked for me and what was an epic fail. 

First, searching for airfare was very interesting. I looked for the most economical flights yet practical. So we purchased a night flight off to San Diego. Since we live in Denver, the flight was only 1 hour and 45 minutes. I planned for the departure time to agree with my daughter's schedule. I bathed her and put on her pjs right before we left the house. Since the flight was at 8:30, I did not want to wake her to change clothes. I always travel with Southwest because they do not charge for luggage and as a new mom with an infant I knew we would have tons of stuff.

Second, the hotel was family friendly. I made sure it had nice amenities for a family of 3. My standards will be different than everyone else because we have different comforts. My main concern was to get a king size bed and good pool area. Just in case the trip was a COMPLETE fail, I wanted to make sure I would be happy hanging out at the hotel. I find it hard to haul a pack and play so I rather co-sleep during vacation. That works best for my family for now. 

Third, I researched places we can enjoy as a family. Keep in mind your children's age group though. Since we have a 6 months old, I had to make sure she was able to take her naps on the go. Since we were mostly outdoors, she was in her stroller without a carseat. But when she would fall asleep we would take the carseat and the stroller so we wont interrupt her sleep. Also, try to find a centrally located hotel. We were within 10-15 mins from all the attractions. That helped ALOT! Whenever it was too much for the baby to handle we were able to go back to the hotel and relax before another outing. It was a huge help to do that. We avoided temper tantrums by doing that. 

Finally, travel smart and not "cute". It is super cute to travel with a cute little bag that matches your outfit or a travel side bag. If you are like me, you would hate carrying tons of stuff. I hate carrying a purse AND a diaper bag. So, I got a cute oversize bag where my personal things AND baby necessities would fit. I packed sufficient juices, bottles and snacks. 

Some of the things that DID NOT work was buying bottled waters every time we had to make a bottle. It would have been easier to just buy a gallon at our destination. That would have been more cost effective. Another fail was to travel with baby food. Our luggage was heavier because of these items. Unless you are traveling international, you should be able to find all baby foods at your nearest supermarket. If you are planning to spend your vacation exploring all day and night then be ready to have one cranky baby at the end. Some of our outings had to be cut short!!!!!! 

Aside from all these, we had a great time and learned how to team work to get things moving smooth. So do not be afraid to speak up and ask your partner for help. Even though you are on your vacation, your mommy brain will not take a break and it could feel like if you are still home!!!!!