What is Mindfulness?

How many of us have a set routine in our lives? How many times do we plan to plan? And how many of us get upset when things do not go our way? 

Do not feel bad, I bet the majority of the population is on the same boat! It is so common to rush through life and focus ONLY on our goals and our plans for the future. I can recall the amount of times I put all my efforts on a specific goal and once it's achieved I move to the next one. Now, did I take a moment and enjoy my achievement? Did I sit there and allowed myself to truly take in what I just achieved? The answer is...NO! You see, we are wired to thrive and to conquer. However, it takes a lot more work to sit still and take it all in. It takes less work to go through a divorce process than to allow ourselves to mourn the loss. To be mindful of our emotions sometimes can feel like trying to live under the water. Some of us rather believe we are strong and tapping into emotions is seen as a sign of weakness. In reality, all it takes is a bit of mindfulness to live a better (less stressful) life.

What is mindfulness? According to Psychology Today, it is a state of active attention to the present. When you are mindful you are consciously aware of your present thoughts, feelings and your surroundings. There are tons of resources on the web regarding mindfulness including stress management techniques, integrative medicine and meditation. Practicing mindfulness is something that does not require much. It can be incorporated in your regular activities. Mindfulness is a state of mind. It is allowing yourself to take a moment and live in the present. Living in the present means to be aware of your surroundings, how you are currently feeling, body language and thoughts.

Life is stressful and we can easily get lost in our routines. So why not try something new. Let's take a moment and be mindful. If you are a planner then schedule a session of some mindfulness!!!!

Age is Nothing But a Number, Right?

Remember the days when we could not wait to be 18 or 21???? And remember when we were children and aspired to be grown-ups???? There is nothing better than innocence, right?

I remember when I turned 30! Honestly, it was the best birthday ever. I was once told that 30 is when you really know yourself and know exactly what you want in life (or don't want in life). Sweet memories of long years ago, just kidding. I am only 33 years old :)

Aging is something people do not want to talk about nor go through. We cherish our youthful years so much and have a very hard time letting go. Women, specifically, tend to do WHATEVER it takes to not "look" older and would even lie about their age. Truth is, we do not find any beauty in the process of aging. I know what you are thinking already...... what can she possibly know.....she is only 33 years old (still young). Well, it turns out that your 30s is full of pressure of taking the "right" steps to NOT age prematurely. I cannot even begin with how many people mention the biological clock ticking for having children, the amount of collagen and elasticity I am loosing, and of course the happy grey hairs do not help the cause.

Reality is that age is nothing but a number! Yes, our body does change and ages because it is part of our nature. But when the mind starts aging that's when everything really goes downhill! So please, enjoy yourself and enjoy the moments that have been granted to us!!! Laugh at every joke, smile at strangers, aspire to better yourself and do something out of the ordinary! Life goes on and we can't sit here and watch it go to waste by wishing to be younger or looking back at our youth! I love my 30s and I refuse to allow my mind to bury me alive in my body! 

Mirror, Mirror, You are a Liar!

"Mirror, mirror on the wall.........?" Even though this is a quote from a fairy tale movie, people (especially women) tend to ask themselves a variation of this question. Ever noticed how the mirrors in cars have a small statement saying "objects are closer than what they appear". This disclosure made me wonder....."then what is it good for?" Truth is, MIRRORS ARE LIARS!!!!!!

We cannot trust the images we see in the mirrors. Does it mean they are totally useless? Not at all. Even though we know what we see on a side mirror of a car is deceiving we use it to determine our next action or move. However, we typically do not treat ALL mirrors the same. I wish the vanity mirrors would say "objects are fatter than what they appear" or "people are more confident than what they appear" or anything that can insert determination in us or positive affirmations. Instead we only see what we DON'T like about ourselves. If we have a pimple it appears as if we are carrying Mount Everest on our forehead, etc.

The only thing the mirror truly reflects is your biggest challenge, worst judge, and your true competition; YOURSELF. I encourage everyone to treat every mirror like you treat your car's side mirrors. Do not always rely on them without checking yourself first and do not always believe what you see. Always, question what you see and do not be afraid to ALWAYS challenge what you see!!!! And most importantly, remember that mirrors do not always show actuality.

The World Thru A Child's Eyes

The end of the year is here and I can't help but to think of things I didn't accomplish. I can't help but to think of the what ifs and how I could of improve things. Then these same thoughts take me to a better me for the new year.....

Many people get the "holiday blues" and I can honestly say it is not too hard to get there. Life is full of ups and downs, accomplishments and disappointments. It is never fully happiness and everything perfect! Otherwise it wouldn't be a real life nor a life worth living because there would be nothing to look forward to nor to fight for and nothing that would extend your own limits! 

I look at my daughter and all the children I counsel. And wondered.... "How is the world through their eyes?"

The answer is not so hard. You see, children are simple and transparent. They live in the present 100%. They don't know what tomorrow is so they don't worry about it. They have dreams that they hold to as the future. Try asking any age kids about the future. It would not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to them. They believe in fairy tales still and in Santa Claus. I see traumatized kids in my field and even trauma does not take that precious gift of dreaming away. The fear is there, the anxiety creeps up on them, the unexplainable anger over takes them BUT they move on!!! They do not allow these unexplainable horrible feelings change who they are! As they get older their views change and start adapting to more adult like thinking. As a psychotherapist, I love working with children more than adults. Because children are full of hope and adults have a harder time getting there!!!! 

I realized that I was looking back at 2013 with pain were I can focus on the joys that the year brought. Or I can see the world through a child's eyes and focus on being present with myself and be excited for 2014! 

Happy New Years and try to be present every minute of your life! 

Outer Beauty vs Inner Beauty

Every women struggle with their self image. I can guarantee if you ask a women what they would like to change about themselves the will pull out a list or at least 1 physical aspect. There is a quote I like to use which says; "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I do agree with that quote because it doesn't matter how many compliments we would receive if we can't see it ourselves. Many of us compare ourselves to models and celebrities. Which to our dismay they spend hours with a professional team to glam themselves  and afterwards their picture gets photoshopped. So let's ask ourselves, what are we really comparing ourselves to? And is it realistic? Most likely the answer, if you are honest, would be sort of shocking. What we see on TV or magazines is not real. What IT is real is our inner beauty vs outer beauty comparison. The mirror is a lier. The mirror can only reflect how you see yourself. I remember getting a makeover at Laura Mercier and I kept asking the artist how I can hide my dark circles. She used a ton of different things and it wasn't making a difference to me. Until she pointed out how close I was to the mirror. Her words were "Mayeling, no one would get that close to your face unless they are kissing you which if they are their eyes are closed!". I had no choice but to laugh with her! But is it so true. I was so preoccupied with my "close up" look that I didn't realized how silly it was! 

This is a phenomenon that we as women always overlook. We believe what we believe and there is no talking us out of it. Even when our men constantly tells us that we look good! Now I, of course, add myself to this audience. Ever since I had my baby, I struggle even more with my body image! My husband believes I look better than ever. My friends tell me how good I look after only 9 months of giving birth. So why is it so hard for me to see what they see? Well, the answer is: because I have to change my inner beauty to see my outer beauty. Now this is no easy task for me because I was so convinced I was able to look like Kim Kardashian lol. Except it would cost me a lot of money to invest in extensions, tons of makeup, surgery, fake eye lashes, etc! Pretty unrealistic if you ask me, lol. 

So how can I change my inner beauty to reflect my outer beauty? For me I had to look at myself and see what attributes do I like after baby. And surprisingly I found a few. Then I took all my clothes and donated them! ALL of them! So I was forced to buy  new clothes that actually fit me. Harsh reality to find out I am not juniors sizes. Then learn what style goes along with my personality!!!!! It sounds really materialistic right? Well the truth is that the moment you make an effort to look like yourself then you will feel like yourself. Our inner beauty has to do with our perception of the outside. And there is such a thing as a severe misconceived body perception. It is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. This disorder is a preoccupation with one or more perceived defects or flaws in physical appearance that are not observable or appear slight to others (DSM V). Keep in mind you have to meet certain criteria to be diagnosed with this. However by just reading the definition it sounds like we can all have this! 

Dove created a heart touching video regarding beauty. When I saw it I couldn't stop crying. Because I always struggled with low self esteem it hit me harder than most people. The video does a great job showing women how they see themselves vs others see them. It was such a reality check. I included the link so you can watch and hopefully it will teach you something valuable. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=litXW91UauE

New Struggle: Discipline

When I was childless, I was real quick on "knowing" how parents should discipline their children and had my ideas on exactly what I would do when my turn came. Boy was I in for an awakening!!!! Truth is that I am having a hard time with this concept: DISCIPLINE. I know mom experts must be reading this and wondering " what is wrong with her?". But it is so true, I am seriously struggling. And to add to my already confused mind, I am a Child Therapist!!!! However, do not confuse my expertise and knowledge with my motherhood. I have a dear friend that is a doctor and she does not like to check her own child. So I guess I am not that crazy for not applying my expertise to my own child, lol.

This is where I am struggling. Like million of other moms out there, I want to raise a perfect child (unrealistic). I would like my kids to be well manered, respect their parents as well as others and not be afraid to talk to us. My daughter is only 9 months old and she is at the age of setting limits. Therefore, the word "NO" is repeated thousands of times at home. We have found out that she has learned the meaning of no and our facial expressions associated with it. Nevertheless, she is an infant full of energy, curiosity and adventure. I also understand that every child have a distinct personality and not every discipline principle works. And honestly, that just made my confusion worse. I have cultural beliefs that come with their own principles of discipline. Then I live in a culture that also have their standards of proper discipline. Also, I have my own perception and knowledge from my field of the effects of proper and improper parenting. Can you see my struggle now?????

After researching tons of articles and reading books and manuals, I came to ONE conclusion. My conclusion is NO ONE HAS A RIGHT ANSWER! One example is corporal punishment. Tons of research shows how much it affects a child in a negative way. Then, other research shows the contrary along with cultural aspects. The best thing I was able to do is gather all the information (negative and positive) and lay them out on the table. Then I brought in my parenting partner (my husband) and asked him his beliefs and thoughts. After all, I am not raising our children alone. We were able to discuss our feelings and thoughts about this matter and together came up with something that fits our family. We both decided what we will try and how we will execute our principles. It was the best approach I took and I can honestly say that it ease my mind.

I refuse to believe that I am the only mother worrying about this! I sometimes think about this huge responsibility we have of raising our children. I analyze how much we can mess them up and how much we can help them. At the end of the day, we can only do so much and not everyone can agree on one thing. Discipline is an individuial thing because not ONE person is equal to ANOTHER.

Fair Game: Dads vs Moms

As I am sitting in my bed, thinking of my next topic, while my infant daughter is jumping and clapping next to me filling the room with noises and laughter. I can't help but to wonder, where the heck is my husband?!?! Oh yeah, taking his sweet time showering. Hmm I don't remember the last time I was able to enjoy a shower. I am usually rushing because baby duties are awaiting. Then, all of the sudden it clicked!!!! Yes, my next blog topic...... Are baby duties fair game between dads and moms????

Please, do not get me wrong! I love my daughter and love spending time with her, taking care of her and she makes me laugh! But I can't help to feel like I am always doing more than daddy. Then I wonder if it is an innate ability we acquire as soon as we conceive. The urge to do it all, the necessity to be the one in control and the mom power to just get things done!!!!! How involved do daddies really want to be and how involved do WE allowed them to be???? 

I can't be the only one going through this. I am pretty sure if I talk to a mother with more than 1 child they would look at me like if I am insane! Well, I am hoping they do at least. Because deep inside I want to believe that daddies DO want to do more but mommies just don't give them a chance, lol. 

My husband is a great man and an awesome father. And he tries to do his best to help me. I, on the other hand, do not think about asking for help. I feel like baby duties are all mine. On the contrary, there are dads that would rather have mommy do it all because it is quicker than to figure it out. However, hats off to single dads. 

Moms, do not let your motherly instincts trap you!!!! I was doing it all and I was starting to feel like Cinderella. Men do not have mother's instincts. Instead they have protector and provider instincts. They think that they have accomplished their duties by accomplishing these instincts. It will NOT come natural to think " well, she has baby duties every morning so let me pick up the baby every afternoon". And moms will just naturally do what she was built to do, being nurturing. 

Picture Courtesy from BabyCenter.com

I think, as a new mom, that it has to be fair game. In today's world we both have to work and although it might not come naturally to daddies they are willing to help. But us mommies have to speak up. So take some alone time and talk to your hubby and make a plan. We are a team and parenting is team work. I see some parents wait until their kids are older to establish "teamwork" because they are exhausted. But it is hard to change something that has become a custom in the family. So why not start now!!!! Parenting along with baby duties is fair game so lets work towards 50-50 ladies!!!