New Struggle: Discipline

When I was childless, I was real quick on "knowing" how parents should discipline their children and had my ideas on exactly what I would do when my turn came. Boy was I in for an awakening!!!! Truth is that I am having a hard time with this concept: DISCIPLINE. I know mom experts must be reading this and wondering " what is wrong with her?". But it is so true, I am seriously struggling. And to add to my already confused mind, I am a Child Therapist!!!! However, do not confuse my expertise and knowledge with my motherhood. I have a dear friend that is a doctor and she does not like to check her own child. So I guess I am not that crazy for not applying my expertise to my own child, lol.

This is where I am struggling. Like million of other moms out there, I want to raise a perfect child (unrealistic). I would like my kids to be well manered, respect their parents as well as others and not be afraid to talk to us. My daughter is only 9 months old and she is at the age of setting limits. Therefore, the word "NO" is repeated thousands of times at home. We have found out that she has learned the meaning of no and our facial expressions associated with it. Nevertheless, she is an infant full of energy, curiosity and adventure. I also understand that every child have a distinct personality and not every discipline principle works. And honestly, that just made my confusion worse. I have cultural beliefs that come with their own principles of discipline. Then I live in a culture that also have their standards of proper discipline. Also, I have my own perception and knowledge from my field of the effects of proper and improper parenting. Can you see my struggle now?????

After researching tons of articles and reading books and manuals, I came to ONE conclusion. My conclusion is NO ONE HAS A RIGHT ANSWER! One example is corporal punishment. Tons of research shows how much it affects a child in a negative way. Then, other research shows the contrary along with cultural aspects. The best thing I was able to do is gather all the information (negative and positive) and lay them out on the table. Then I brought in my parenting partner (my husband) and asked him his beliefs and thoughts. After all, I am not raising our children alone. We were able to discuss our feelings and thoughts about this matter and together came up with something that fits our family. We both decided what we will try and how we will execute our principles. It was the best approach I took and I can honestly say that it ease my mind.

I refuse to believe that I am the only mother worrying about this! I sometimes think about this huge responsibility we have of raising our children. I analyze how much we can mess them up and how much we can help them. At the end of the day, we can only do so much and not everyone can agree on one thing. Discipline is an individuial thing because not ONE person is equal to ANOTHER.

Happy Marriage vs Busy Parents

Have you ever noticed how different newly weds are from a couple that has kids? You can always tell what married couples have kids and what married couples doesn't. How? Well, the couple that does not have any children or are newly weds are very affectionate with each other publicly. You can see them hold hands more, hug more often and caring towards each other. The couple with children do not show that much affection towards each other and if the kids are present they are usually paying attention to them. This, by all means, does not mean they do not love each other. It just means they are usually tired and consumed with taking care of their kids. Many parents do not make an effort to spice up their marriage because they are dealing with the guilt of being away from their children while at work. By the time they are ready to have a conversation with their spouse they are too tired and just want to rest or sleep.

So how can we have a happy marriage while being busy parents? Is there a happy medium? Is it even possible? The answer is YES! However, it does take serious commitment and effort to make it happen. Strong and healthy marriage brings security to our children and happiness. Sometimes I hear parents saying that they feel guilty to have date nights after their children have been at the sitter all day long. The children WILL survive so let's remove this false belief out of our minds. Here are some tips on how to improve our marriages: 

1. Learn how to pick your battles: we can honestly say we can argue and fight for a lot of things. I know it annoys me to pick up clothes off the floor. However, we must pick our battles. Instead of arguing for every bad habit look for compliments. It is way easier to find the negatives than the positives. Make an effort to search for compliments even if they are simple. Make it a goal to give 2 compliments daily to your spouse! And when a fight is about to rise, ask yourself what would be accomplished, how important is it to you and if its worth fighting over.

2. Be nice: men like to be respected and women like to be appreciated. So, do not ridicule your husband in front of others. Treat him with respect especially in front of others. There is nothing worse than to hurt a man's ego. Of something really bothered you, wait until you are alone and discuss it. 

3. Quality time: it is very challenging to take time away from the kids and focus on each other. But it is very nurturing to your marriage. Just taking time to talk to each AND to listen to each other goes a long way. My husband loves to build stuff and to talk about projects which I have absolute no interest in. But I make it a point to have a conversation with him and actually listen to what he has to say. The same works with him. This works best AFTER bedtime. So if your kids do not have a bedtime establish one right away. 

4. Physical Touch: make it a point to TOUCH each other. I read about a 60 second cuddle rule. If you spent some time away from each make sure you spend 60 seconds (at least) to cuddle!!! And see how your love will blossom!!!!

Good luck mommas and go ignite your marriage!!!

Tootles......