Dealing with a loss is never easy even when it is natural and you are expecting it. We all know that dying is part of life. The moment you are born you know one day you must die. Nevertheless, it is a topic that most people do not like to talk about. When I was younger, heck even now, I would cry with just the thought of my parents dying. I just could not imagine my life without them. I am in a place in life where grandparents are getting older and slowly dying. One by one. A few weeks ago I lost my last grandma. And yes even though she was 92 years old, it was sad and it hurt. The healing process was quick though because it was from "normal" causes.
What about the times where it was unexpected?!?! How can you deal with a loss that just came out of nowhere?!?!?
Indeed, words cannot explain the emptiness in your heart, the emotional roller coaster, and the mental breakdown you encounter. You may have all the support in the world and all the most empathetic words from friends and it will not change anything! And that is ok. You see, we all need time to heal. And that healing process looks different for everyone. There are stages of grief but one must understand what exactly you are grieving. It can be as simple as the death of a grandparent, as complex as the sudden death of a spouse, as confusing as a suicidal death of a son/daughter or as heartbreaking as a divorce process. No matter the situation or circumstances, the stages of grief are the same and it will take time.
When I was going through my divorce process, I just wanted to speed up the grief process. I didn't want to cry or become bitter. I just wanted to move on and find happiness again. I learned the hard way that there is no such thing as speeding up the process. It will take its course no matter what!!! So take your time and live through the moments and allow yourself to properly grieve.
The stages of grief are more of a guideline to help us understand what we are going through. Not everyone goes thru the same process and not everyone goes thru all the stages. Grieving is an individual thing. Not one person grieves the same as another. With that being said, here are the stages of grieving:
1. Denial: it's a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural.
2. Anger: It can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset. When dealing with suicides and divorce, anger will be more apparent. Other times the anger can even be directed at a higher power such as God.
3. Bargaining: traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God they believe in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "can we still be friends?" When facing a breakup or divorce. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
4. Depression: Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the "aftermath" although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's sort of an acceptance with emotional attachments. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
5. Acceptance: again this stage definitely varies according to the situation. It is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity.
Keeping these stages in mind, also know that finding individual and group support helps. Seeking therapeutic counseling can help you understand your own process and embrace the chances. Group supports will help you feel that you are not alone and others who experienced the same thing are there to support you. I went through a divorce AND a death in the family simultaneously. I found therapy very helpful and I attended a group support program called Divorce Care. If you have children, they also have groups to help your children understand as well!!!!
