New Struggle: Discipline

When I was childless, I was real quick on "knowing" how parents should discipline their children and had my ideas on exactly what I would do when my turn came. Boy was I in for an awakening!!!! Truth is that I am having a hard time with this concept: DISCIPLINE. I know mom experts must be reading this and wondering " what is wrong with her?". But it is so true, I am seriously struggling. And to add to my already confused mind, I am a Child Therapist!!!! However, do not confuse my expertise and knowledge with my motherhood. I have a dear friend that is a doctor and she does not like to check her own child. So I guess I am not that crazy for not applying my expertise to my own child, lol.

This is where I am struggling. Like million of other moms out there, I want to raise a perfect child (unrealistic). I would like my kids to be well manered, respect their parents as well as others and not be afraid to talk to us. My daughter is only 9 months old and she is at the age of setting limits. Therefore, the word "NO" is repeated thousands of times at home. We have found out that she has learned the meaning of no and our facial expressions associated with it. Nevertheless, she is an infant full of energy, curiosity and adventure. I also understand that every child have a distinct personality and not every discipline principle works. And honestly, that just made my confusion worse. I have cultural beliefs that come with their own principles of discipline. Then I live in a culture that also have their standards of proper discipline. Also, I have my own perception and knowledge from my field of the effects of proper and improper parenting. Can you see my struggle now?????

After researching tons of articles and reading books and manuals, I came to ONE conclusion. My conclusion is NO ONE HAS A RIGHT ANSWER! One example is corporal punishment. Tons of research shows how much it affects a child in a negative way. Then, other research shows the contrary along with cultural aspects. The best thing I was able to do is gather all the information (negative and positive) and lay them out on the table. Then I brought in my parenting partner (my husband) and asked him his beliefs and thoughts. After all, I am not raising our children alone. We were able to discuss our feelings and thoughts about this matter and together came up with something that fits our family. We both decided what we will try and how we will execute our principles. It was the best approach I took and I can honestly say that it ease my mind.

I refuse to believe that I am the only mother worrying about this! I sometimes think about this huge responsibility we have of raising our children. I analyze how much we can mess them up and how much we can help them. At the end of the day, we can only do so much and not everyone can agree on one thing. Discipline is an individuial thing because not ONE person is equal to ANOTHER.

"Angels" and "Ghosts" in the Nursery

When a couple finds out they are expecting a bundle of joy, many thoughts and feelings surfaces. To some couples is the BEST news they ever received and can't explain the joy they feel. Other couples react quite differently because of fears or the unexpected news. The truth is that raising a human being is quite nerve wrecking regardless of your situation. I remember getting super excited then getting really worried because IT IS a HUGE responsibility. Well, I want to mention something I just learned. Even though I am a psychotherapist, I learn something new everyday and that's what I love about my job. I learned about a phenomenon called "Angels and Ghosts" in the Nursery. First of all, let me clarify that "angels" and "ghosts" are used as a metaphor. There is no need to get scared and call the Ghost Busters lol!

Ghosts are referred to unresolved childhood issues that parents bring to the relationship with their children. Ghosts make it difficult to see your child for whom they are. Parents' perceptions are distorted by past experiences. It is very hard to identify your own ghosts because, well, they are invisible and they do a great job blinding you from the present. Ghosts can be as serious as a child trauma or as simple as your own relationship with your parent. Ghosts can also be something that get passed on generation from generation. I recall many people saying "I refuse to be like my mother/father" and not realized that they are acting just like them. It can be very deceiving and tricky. I have identified some of my own little ghosts in my nursery. The good news is that you are able to identify those ghosts and cast them out of your lives. You do not have to relive your childhood with your children. If the ghosts are painful then it is better to seek professional help to deal with that pain and get it out of your life. Some ghosts are harmless, however it is still best that you identify them so you can be aware.

Angels are referred to intense loving, nurturing, acceptance, and characteristics which provide a core sense of security and self worth. They are positive traits that are transferred from generations. Just like ghosts, angels are hard to find as well. There is a power battle between angels and ghosts in the nursery. Usually you can find angels in the midst of ghosts. If your parents played with you as a child most likely you will naturally play with yours. It is those little things that come to mind AS you are repeating it with your children. I remember some of my "angels" like when my mom would give us Mcdonald's fries with sprite when we were sick just to cheer us up. How my father will stay up with my baby sister after a late night feeding just to play with her. Angels are those things you make it a point to transfer to your child so that good and loving legacy moves on. So ask yourselves what are your ghosts and angels and how will they impact your parenting???

For more information about research findings on ghosts and angels in the nursery look up Alicia Lieberman and Angels in the Nursery research article. 

Dealing with a Loss

Dealing with a loss is never easy even when it is natural and you are expecting it. We all know that dying is part of life. The moment you are born you know one day you must die. Nevertheless, it is a topic that most people do not like to talk about. When I was younger, heck even now, I would cry with just the thought of my parents dying. I just could not imagine my life without them. I am in a place in life where grandparents are getting older and slowly dying. One by one. A few weeks ago I lost my last grandma. And yes even though she was 92 years old, it was sad and it hurt. The healing process was quick though because it was from "normal" causes.

What about the times where it was unexpected?!?! How can you deal with a loss that just came out of nowhere?!?!? 

Indeed, words cannot explain the emptiness in your heart, the emotional roller coaster, and the mental breakdown you encounter. You may have all the support in the world and all the most empathetic words from friends and it will not change anything! And that is ok. You see, we all need time to heal. And that healing process looks different for everyone. There are stages of grief but one must understand what exactly you are grieving. It can be as simple as the death of a grandparent, as complex as the sudden death of a spouse, as confusing as a suicidal death of a son/daughter or as heartbreaking as a divorce process. No matter the situation or circumstances, the stages of grief are the same and it will take time. 

When I was going through my divorce process, I just wanted to speed up the grief process. I didn't want to cry or become bitter. I just wanted to move on and find happiness again. I learned the hard way that there is no such thing as speeding up the process. It will take its course no matter what!!! So take your time and live through the moments and allow yourself to properly grieve. 

The stages of grief are more of a guideline to help us understand what we are going through. Not everyone goes thru the same process and not everyone goes thru all the stages. Grieving is an individual thing. Not one person grieves the same as another. With that being said, here are the stages of grieving: 

1. Denial: it's a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural.

2. Anger: It can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset. When dealing with suicides and divorce, anger will be more apparent. Other times the anger can even be directed at a higher power such as God. 

3. Bargaining: traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God they believe in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "can we still be friends?" When facing a breakup or divorce. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death. 

4. Depression: Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the "aftermath" although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's sort of an acceptance with emotional attachments. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5. Acceptance: again this stage definitely varies according to the situation. It is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. 

Keeping these stages in mind, also know that finding individual and group support helps. Seeking therapeutic counseling can help you understand your own process and embrace the chances. Group supports will help you feel that you are not alone and others who experienced the same thing are there to support you. I went through a divorce AND a death in the family simultaneously. I found therapy very helpful and I attended a group support program called Divorce Care. If you have children, they also have groups to help your children understand as well!!!!