The World Thru A Child's Eyes

The end of the year is here and I can't help but to think of things I didn't accomplish. I can't help but to think of the what ifs and how I could of improve things. Then these same thoughts take me to a better me for the new year.....

Many people get the "holiday blues" and I can honestly say it is not too hard to get there. Life is full of ups and downs, accomplishments and disappointments. It is never fully happiness and everything perfect! Otherwise it wouldn't be a real life nor a life worth living because there would be nothing to look forward to nor to fight for and nothing that would extend your own limits! 

I look at my daughter and all the children I counsel. And wondered.... "How is the world through their eyes?"

The answer is not so hard. You see, children are simple and transparent. They live in the present 100%. They don't know what tomorrow is so they don't worry about it. They have dreams that they hold to as the future. Try asking any age kids about the future. It would not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to them. They believe in fairy tales still and in Santa Claus. I see traumatized kids in my field and even trauma does not take that precious gift of dreaming away. The fear is there, the anxiety creeps up on them, the unexplainable anger over takes them BUT they move on!!! They do not allow these unexplainable horrible feelings change who they are! As they get older their views change and start adapting to more adult like thinking. As a psychotherapist, I love working with children more than adults. Because children are full of hope and adults have a harder time getting there!!!! 

I realized that I was looking back at 2013 with pain were I can focus on the joys that the year brought. Or I can see the world through a child's eyes and focus on being present with myself and be excited for 2014! 

Happy New Years and try to be present every minute of your life! 

Outer Beauty vs Inner Beauty

Every women struggle with their self image. I can guarantee if you ask a women what they would like to change about themselves the will pull out a list or at least 1 physical aspect. There is a quote I like to use which says; "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I do agree with that quote because it doesn't matter how many compliments we would receive if we can't see it ourselves. Many of us compare ourselves to models and celebrities. Which to our dismay they spend hours with a professional team to glam themselves  and afterwards their picture gets photoshopped. So let's ask ourselves, what are we really comparing ourselves to? And is it realistic? Most likely the answer, if you are honest, would be sort of shocking. What we see on TV or magazines is not real. What IT is real is our inner beauty vs outer beauty comparison. The mirror is a lier. The mirror can only reflect how you see yourself. I remember getting a makeover at Laura Mercier and I kept asking the artist how I can hide my dark circles. She used a ton of different things and it wasn't making a difference to me. Until she pointed out how close I was to the mirror. Her words were "Mayeling, no one would get that close to your face unless they are kissing you which if they are their eyes are closed!". I had no choice but to laugh with her! But is it so true. I was so preoccupied with my "close up" look that I didn't realized how silly it was! 

This is a phenomenon that we as women always overlook. We believe what we believe and there is no talking us out of it. Even when our men constantly tells us that we look good! Now I, of course, add myself to this audience. Ever since I had my baby, I struggle even more with my body image! My husband believes I look better than ever. My friends tell me how good I look after only 9 months of giving birth. So why is it so hard for me to see what they see? Well, the answer is: because I have to change my inner beauty to see my outer beauty. Now this is no easy task for me because I was so convinced I was able to look like Kim Kardashian lol. Except it would cost me a lot of money to invest in extensions, tons of makeup, surgery, fake eye lashes, etc! Pretty unrealistic if you ask me, lol. 

So how can I change my inner beauty to reflect my outer beauty? For me I had to look at myself and see what attributes do I like after baby. And surprisingly I found a few. Then I took all my clothes and donated them! ALL of them! So I was forced to buy  new clothes that actually fit me. Harsh reality to find out I am not juniors sizes. Then learn what style goes along with my personality!!!!! It sounds really materialistic right? Well the truth is that the moment you make an effort to look like yourself then you will feel like yourself. Our inner beauty has to do with our perception of the outside. And there is such a thing as a severe misconceived body perception. It is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. This disorder is a preoccupation with one or more perceived defects or flaws in physical appearance that are not observable or appear slight to others (DSM V). Keep in mind you have to meet certain criteria to be diagnosed with this. However by just reading the definition it sounds like we can all have this! 

Dove created a heart touching video regarding beauty. When I saw it I couldn't stop crying. Because I always struggled with low self esteem it hit me harder than most people. The video does a great job showing women how they see themselves vs others see them. It was such a reality check. I included the link so you can watch and hopefully it will teach you something valuable. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=litXW91UauE

New Struggle: Discipline

When I was childless, I was real quick on "knowing" how parents should discipline their children and had my ideas on exactly what I would do when my turn came. Boy was I in for an awakening!!!! Truth is that I am having a hard time with this concept: DISCIPLINE. I know mom experts must be reading this and wondering " what is wrong with her?". But it is so true, I am seriously struggling. And to add to my already confused mind, I am a Child Therapist!!!! However, do not confuse my expertise and knowledge with my motherhood. I have a dear friend that is a doctor and she does not like to check her own child. So I guess I am not that crazy for not applying my expertise to my own child, lol.

This is where I am struggling. Like million of other moms out there, I want to raise a perfect child (unrealistic). I would like my kids to be well manered, respect their parents as well as others and not be afraid to talk to us. My daughter is only 9 months old and she is at the age of setting limits. Therefore, the word "NO" is repeated thousands of times at home. We have found out that she has learned the meaning of no and our facial expressions associated with it. Nevertheless, she is an infant full of energy, curiosity and adventure. I also understand that every child have a distinct personality and not every discipline principle works. And honestly, that just made my confusion worse. I have cultural beliefs that come with their own principles of discipline. Then I live in a culture that also have their standards of proper discipline. Also, I have my own perception and knowledge from my field of the effects of proper and improper parenting. Can you see my struggle now?????

After researching tons of articles and reading books and manuals, I came to ONE conclusion. My conclusion is NO ONE HAS A RIGHT ANSWER! One example is corporal punishment. Tons of research shows how much it affects a child in a negative way. Then, other research shows the contrary along with cultural aspects. The best thing I was able to do is gather all the information (negative and positive) and lay them out on the table. Then I brought in my parenting partner (my husband) and asked him his beliefs and thoughts. After all, I am not raising our children alone. We were able to discuss our feelings and thoughts about this matter and together came up with something that fits our family. We both decided what we will try and how we will execute our principles. It was the best approach I took and I can honestly say that it ease my mind.

I refuse to believe that I am the only mother worrying about this! I sometimes think about this huge responsibility we have of raising our children. I analyze how much we can mess them up and how much we can help them. At the end of the day, we can only do so much and not everyone can agree on one thing. Discipline is an individuial thing because not ONE person is equal to ANOTHER.

Fair Game: Dads vs Moms

As I am sitting in my bed, thinking of my next topic, while my infant daughter is jumping and clapping next to me filling the room with noises and laughter. I can't help but to wonder, where the heck is my husband?!?! Oh yeah, taking his sweet time showering. Hmm I don't remember the last time I was able to enjoy a shower. I am usually rushing because baby duties are awaiting. Then, all of the sudden it clicked!!!! Yes, my next blog topic...... Are baby duties fair game between dads and moms????

Please, do not get me wrong! I love my daughter and love spending time with her, taking care of her and she makes me laugh! But I can't help to feel like I am always doing more than daddy. Then I wonder if it is an innate ability we acquire as soon as we conceive. The urge to do it all, the necessity to be the one in control and the mom power to just get things done!!!!! How involved do daddies really want to be and how involved do WE allowed them to be???? 

I can't be the only one going through this. I am pretty sure if I talk to a mother with more than 1 child they would look at me like if I am insane! Well, I am hoping they do at least. Because deep inside I want to believe that daddies DO want to do more but mommies just don't give them a chance, lol. 

My husband is a great man and an awesome father. And he tries to do his best to help me. I, on the other hand, do not think about asking for help. I feel like baby duties are all mine. On the contrary, there are dads that would rather have mommy do it all because it is quicker than to figure it out. However, hats off to single dads. 

Moms, do not let your motherly instincts trap you!!!! I was doing it all and I was starting to feel like Cinderella. Men do not have mother's instincts. Instead they have protector and provider instincts. They think that they have accomplished their duties by accomplishing these instincts. It will NOT come natural to think " well, she has baby duties every morning so let me pick up the baby every afternoon". And moms will just naturally do what she was built to do, being nurturing. 

Picture Courtesy from BabyCenter.com

I think, as a new mom, that it has to be fair game. In today's world we both have to work and although it might not come naturally to daddies they are willing to help. But us mommies have to speak up. So take some alone time and talk to your hubby and make a plan. We are a team and parenting is team work. I see some parents wait until their kids are older to establish "teamwork" because they are exhausted. But it is hard to change something that has become a custom in the family. So why not start now!!!! Parenting along with baby duties is fair game so lets work towards 50-50 ladies!!!

"Angels" and "Ghosts" in the Nursery

When a couple finds out they are expecting a bundle of joy, many thoughts and feelings surfaces. To some couples is the BEST news they ever received and can't explain the joy they feel. Other couples react quite differently because of fears or the unexpected news. The truth is that raising a human being is quite nerve wrecking regardless of your situation. I remember getting super excited then getting really worried because IT IS a HUGE responsibility. Well, I want to mention something I just learned. Even though I am a psychotherapist, I learn something new everyday and that's what I love about my job. I learned about a phenomenon called "Angels and Ghosts" in the Nursery. First of all, let me clarify that "angels" and "ghosts" are used as a metaphor. There is no need to get scared and call the Ghost Busters lol!

Ghosts are referred to unresolved childhood issues that parents bring to the relationship with their children. Ghosts make it difficult to see your child for whom they are. Parents' perceptions are distorted by past experiences. It is very hard to identify your own ghosts because, well, they are invisible and they do a great job blinding you from the present. Ghosts can be as serious as a child trauma or as simple as your own relationship with your parent. Ghosts can also be something that get passed on generation from generation. I recall many people saying "I refuse to be like my mother/father" and not realized that they are acting just like them. It can be very deceiving and tricky. I have identified some of my own little ghosts in my nursery. The good news is that you are able to identify those ghosts and cast them out of your lives. You do not have to relive your childhood with your children. If the ghosts are painful then it is better to seek professional help to deal with that pain and get it out of your life. Some ghosts are harmless, however it is still best that you identify them so you can be aware.

Angels are referred to intense loving, nurturing, acceptance, and characteristics which provide a core sense of security and self worth. They are positive traits that are transferred from generations. Just like ghosts, angels are hard to find as well. There is a power battle between angels and ghosts in the nursery. Usually you can find angels in the midst of ghosts. If your parents played with you as a child most likely you will naturally play with yours. It is those little things that come to mind AS you are repeating it with your children. I remember some of my "angels" like when my mom would give us Mcdonald's fries with sprite when we were sick just to cheer us up. How my father will stay up with my baby sister after a late night feeding just to play with her. Angels are those things you make it a point to transfer to your child so that good and loving legacy moves on. So ask yourselves what are your ghosts and angels and how will they impact your parenting???

For more information about research findings on ghosts and angels in the nursery look up Alicia Lieberman and Angels in the Nursery research article. 

Happy Marriage vs Busy Parents

Have you ever noticed how different newly weds are from a couple that has kids? You can always tell what married couples have kids and what married couples doesn't. How? Well, the couple that does not have any children or are newly weds are very affectionate with each other publicly. You can see them hold hands more, hug more often and caring towards each other. The couple with children do not show that much affection towards each other and if the kids are present they are usually paying attention to them. This, by all means, does not mean they do not love each other. It just means they are usually tired and consumed with taking care of their kids. Many parents do not make an effort to spice up their marriage because they are dealing with the guilt of being away from their children while at work. By the time they are ready to have a conversation with their spouse they are too tired and just want to rest or sleep.

So how can we have a happy marriage while being busy parents? Is there a happy medium? Is it even possible? The answer is YES! However, it does take serious commitment and effort to make it happen. Strong and healthy marriage brings security to our children and happiness. Sometimes I hear parents saying that they feel guilty to have date nights after their children have been at the sitter all day long. The children WILL survive so let's remove this false belief out of our minds. Here are some tips on how to improve our marriages: 

1. Learn how to pick your battles: we can honestly say we can argue and fight for a lot of things. I know it annoys me to pick up clothes off the floor. However, we must pick our battles. Instead of arguing for every bad habit look for compliments. It is way easier to find the negatives than the positives. Make an effort to search for compliments even if they are simple. Make it a goal to give 2 compliments daily to your spouse! And when a fight is about to rise, ask yourself what would be accomplished, how important is it to you and if its worth fighting over.

2. Be nice: men like to be respected and women like to be appreciated. So, do not ridicule your husband in front of others. Treat him with respect especially in front of others. There is nothing worse than to hurt a man's ego. Of something really bothered you, wait until you are alone and discuss it. 

3. Quality time: it is very challenging to take time away from the kids and focus on each other. But it is very nurturing to your marriage. Just taking time to talk to each AND to listen to each other goes a long way. My husband loves to build stuff and to talk about projects which I have absolute no interest in. But I make it a point to have a conversation with him and actually listen to what he has to say. The same works with him. This works best AFTER bedtime. So if your kids do not have a bedtime establish one right away. 

4. Physical Touch: make it a point to TOUCH each other. I read about a 60 second cuddle rule. If you spent some time away from each make sure you spend 60 seconds (at least) to cuddle!!! And see how your love will blossom!!!!

Good luck mommas and go ignite your marriage!!!

Tootles......

Fitness Tips: Working Mother

Every where you look you see and read how important it is to eat healthy, exercise, spend time with your family, self care and maintaining the marriage happy. Sounds extremely overwhelming if you ask me!!!! I will be honest with you, being a full time working mother and wife AND accomplishing all these MUST do sounds completely insane and impossible to do. But I am trying my absolute best to accomplish as much as I can. In search f tips I found a very good article about fitness for working mothers.

The article states that the minimum requirement for healthy fitness is 20 minutes 3x a week!!! I was very pleased to know that because hours at the gym is just too hard right now. 

Some of the things they suggest are as follows: 

1. Make fitness a priority and put in your calendar like any other appointments. Instead of eating lunch out take 20 minutes and walk around. You can eat a light lunch that day, walk and then go back to work. 

2. Get your family involved. Take a family walk after dinner or ride bicycles. If you have a pool then go swimming! This will allow you to get your workout and spend some quality time with your family. 

3. If it has been a long time since you worked out then pace yourself and work yourself up to the 20 minutes. 

I hope you found these tips useful. For more information and other articles visit childdevelopmentinfo.com.